PART 51 (BIRTHDAY EDITION)

So, it’s the new year and today is my birthday and I get to crank up the logically grounded mystical musings I do so love to produce.

I’m grateful to have a sound mind and am able to continue to walk in the mass tribe of modern mammals. It’s a miracle worth tipping my hats to. It’s an idol that demands gold at it’s feet. And with the recognition of preciousness… comes an inherent fear. There’s no way around it. And I’m terrified. I’m terrified that everything will change and leave me behind… or that I will change, without my knowing, and leave myself behind. Because I think that’s possible… the ability to lose consideration of one’s self and walk away from it. But fear is a healthy thing. It’s a constant doorbell ringing in your ears. It’s a hole the dog is sniffing underneath the fence. It’s Death’s pale finger continuously pulling at your collar to make you be present and in the moment. And I think things are consistently getting faster and taller and quicker and bigger and that there is ample opportunity for a daily dose of frightening thought. Don’t you ever walk out your door and the world feels less familiar and more demanding and vaguely nostalgic and immensely meaningful? Take that as motivation to scare yourself into thankfulness.    And once fear is in place, take a deep breath and let everything sit in the distance. Separate and discover. Let everything meaningful to you appear as an approaching island from the bow of a sinking ship. Exhale and reach. Pull it all towards you. When it arrives, use the velocity of your desire to push it all into your filthy, beating heart. Force it with such impact, through your mouth and eyes and valves and veins, that you create a new compartment for blood to collect in pools and for atoms to explode. Let electric neurons burn cave drawings on the walls. And when the dust settles, foster that space to grow like vines on the sides of forgotten buildings. Watch your body be taken over by the need to foster relationships with what exists around you. Give it enough time and all the shit and sadness you’ve had your whole life may get pushed out because there just isn’t enough room in there for it. You just may not have the space anymore. Too much of yourself has been devoted to creating a haven for the things you adore. You’ve become a shell for beauty to take root within.   David Lynch says, “The world is as you are.” That’s what I’m trying to say. The world is as you are. A small shift in perception can completely effect who you are to yourself and how the entire world appears to your brain. It’s a battle worth raging from within. Because all we have is the now. So, why not? And time is a dark alleyway. It’s short and forever and beyond us and it makes us feel lonely. And we’re floating in an eternal universe protected by feeble shells of organic bodies that are constantly wearing away. We’re a trail of skin cells floating to the edges of everything. Atomically speaking, we are separating from ourselves every single second. And we have no idea why we continue to breath when we fall asleep or how long our species hasbeen conscious on Earth or how much longer that ability of awareness will continue. No one knows the inner workings of the brain. It’s our big prize and it is a stranger to us. We’re clueless to our own power and of the power that surrounds us and it’s overwhelming. And the best thing I can think to do? Chase that rare feeling of waking up in the middle of the night and thinking you’re falling. I love that moment. I love that we are capable of that moment. It’s proof that our subconscious is always grasping at the hem of the garment of existence. We’re constantly and cerebrally celebrating our beating heart and the lover covered in sheets beside us and the sound of our mother’s voice and the pain of our aging bodies and the possibility of the unknown that is only granted to the conscious, living being. We are inherently incredible.